Today started with wee in a bag…

When I first found out at was pregnant with Bean, I, like most expectant mothers, worried about all the problems that could arise once a little person enters your life. I worried about her arrival into the world, if I my motherly instincts would kick in straight away, what if she ever became seriously ill….could I handle that??

One thing I NEVER expected to worry about was, how the hell do I take a wee sample from a toddler who hates having her nappy changed???

Something I have learned very early on, parenthood throws all sorts of lemon shaped worries at you from the get go and it never stops! There’s a reason why mothers (and some fathers believe it or not) have to learn how to multitask. We could be knee deep in shit, trying to make a nutritious meal out of a pot noodle and a bag of mini chedders, singing Wheels on The Bus and stopping your toddler from harassing the cat WHILST turning those bastard little lemons into tasty lemonade.

The most recent lemon to enter our lives finally got squished this week, especially today!

On Sunday, at exactly 19 months and 5 days old, in a very busy park, Bean took her very first (and very wobbly) steps!! I cannot being to explain how overjoyed and relieved I was to see my beautiful baby girl hurl herself into my arms.

We all worry about our kids and compare them to others when they’re not doing the same as other children of a similar age, but when I started to see children who are 6 months younger than Bean, running rings around her whilst she crawled around on the floor at playgroup, I really started to panic. I knew she would walk eventually, my worry was, could there be a reason behind the delay and could it affect her future? Ultimately, that’s what all our little worries boil down to, will our children be able to grow into fully functioning adults who can take care of themselves.

So, back to the title of this blog post, “why did your day start with wee in a bag??” I hear you cry!!

Over a month a go, Bean was refered to a pediatrician after an 18 month check with her GP. She was showing absolutely no signs of walking and continued to scream “NO NO NO” at anyone who DARED to let go of her chubby little hands up untill recently. Her confidence has improved daily along with her leg strength and stability. Even though she took her first steps on Sunday, we still wanted to keep todays appointment, just to help ease our worried little minds.

Which is where the wee sample comes into play. As soon as we received the letter about her appointment, in true ‘Mum of a Bean’ style, I worried more about how to get my little Bean to wee into an even smaller bottle than the actual appointment itself. We managed to get hold of a few U-Bags to help matters, but also created an entirely new dilemma to tackle.

For anyone that doesn’t know what a U-Bag is, it’s pretty self explanatory! Its a small, clear, sterile bag with a hole and a U shaped sticky pad (…. ahhhh …. U-Bag…. totally get it now) that attaches to the …” sensitive area”… and IN THEORY, catches the wee! The wee then goes into the tiny sterile pot and then, HEY PRESTO, you have a wee sample!!

Sounds almost too easy, right??

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I know my lovely daughter well, nappy changing times are never the easiest unless I have an obnoxious Pig called Peppa on repeat! So I prepared myself for every eventuality. I looked up U-Bag tutorials on YouTube (you can seriously learn how to do ANYTHING thanks to YouTube), I woke up nice and early so we had plenty of time, I had a bottle of milk ready to help generate plenty of wee and to calm the little munchkin down because that girl is bat shit crazy about her milk (from both cow and mummy!!) There was a towel on the floor “just in case” and her nappy, wipes and U-Bag were good to go! All I needed now was one wide awake toddler in a very good mood!

Luckily for me, she was in a GREAT mood! Laid down lovely, drinking her milk and watching whatever crap was on the telly…. I was far too distracted to see what it was! I had bigger things to worry about. YouTube may be great at teaching you how to do stuff, but in reality, It can’t help you hold your daughters legs up so you can attach the very sticky adhesive strip on to her bits! So, with one forearm propping up her legs, I used both hands to try to stick on the bag. It started off well, but then the front part of the sticky area stuck before the back part, which caused it to wrinkle! The hole in the bag wasnt placed close enough to where the wee would come out but the bag had already stuck into place and there was NO WAY I was peeling that bad boy off to start again in fear that I might upset a surprisingly chilled out Bean. I just had to make do and hope the hole in the bag was far enough back to catch whatever wee would come out!

All was left to do was wait….

and wait……

and wait…..

BLOODY TYPICAL!!!!

Usually, If I leave Bean nappy free for more than 5 seconds, she wees all over the sodding carpet, but oh no, not today!!!!

So after half an hour too long of watching Milkshake!, to my absolute surprise, that little bag starts to fill up with wee!!! YESSSSSSSS!!! The same amount also leaks on to the floor but, because I was a well prepped Mummy, the wee dribbles on to the towel and not the carpet…. IM ON A F** KING ROLL HERE!!!!!

The next challenge was, how do I know remove the bag that is stuck on so very tightly?? Now I’ve never had a bikini wax but Ive seen them on telly, and they look bloody painful!! Bean’s milk was almost gone so I was running out of time! I just had to bite the bullet and try to ease it off gently…..

Not. one. murmur!!!

GET IN!!!!!!

I was well and truly winning today.

The next bit was easy, just pour the collected wee from the bag into the little pot.

So I poured, but the wee wouldn’t come out!!!

Luckily I noticed a little blue dot in the bottom corner…. so I gently pulled it….

PISS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!

All over my hands and on the bloody carpet!!!

Luckily I managed to catch almost a full pot of wee, toddler was still in a relatively happy mood and we still had time to spare before our appointment, which went very well by the way!!

It turns out, Bean is hypermobile (which I had already figured out, mum knows best and all that) and there are no major concerns. Hopefully her confidence will grow and she’ll be walking in no time.

It’s safe to say that both me and Superman (who proposed to me last November by the way for those of you that don’t know me personally) are both happy in the knowledge that Bean might be just a little late to the walking party but at least there’s plenty of people waiting to celebrate with her!

So, friends, the moral of the story is this… You may have been pelted with your own emotional lemons today….

But at least your hand wasnt covered in piss!!!

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