An Apology….

For those of you who know me or follow me on either Facebook or Twitter, you will know that I’ve been suffering from an extreme case of writers block, so extreme that the last time I actually posted anything was at the beginning of September. This may not seem like a long time to normal folk but in Blogger world, its a life time!!!

When I first started writing it was purely for me, a way of expressing the way I felt about being a Mum, coping with PND, anxiety, Fibromyalgia and battling with the ever present voice in my head who I like to call NEGATIVE NELLY. I honestly didn’t think anyone would read it, until I received loads of feedback from friends and family who truly related to what I had to say. I became excited and motivated because at that point, it stopped being just about me and that maybe, just maybe, my painful and hilarious experiances could actually help someone.

At first I tried to write once a week, which was easy to manage. But then life just became too busy! Big things were happening to me and I wasn’t documenting it! I wanted to, but I didn’t give myself time to just sit down and reflect on what was happening around me. I was returning back to work, Bean was starting nursery and I wasn’t sleeping or eating as much as I should. I was making myself ill due to severe anxiety and I was starting to loose confidence in myself and my blog….. and that’s when the writers block started to kick in.

So here’s an apology….

I’m sorry!!

I’m sorry for not telling you all about Bean’s first birthday, how I spent an entire day stressing and crying about her birthday cake because it wasn’t “quite right”. I realise now that I was actually struggling with the fact that my baby was growing up, so I took it out on the cake instead.

I’m sorry for not writing about our big family holiday, where 14 of us (8 adults and 6 children) were delayed for 9 hours at Manchester airport and I threw a full blown Final Destination style MELTDOWN when we were told that there was a fault on our plane.

I’m sorry for not sharing my first day back at work and Beans first day at day nursery, especially the most INCREDIBLE leaf painting ever created by a 1 year old.

I’m sorry for not telling you about one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, being taken to hospital in an ambulance with suspected stroke, having a CT scan, finding out it wasn’t stroke and then having a telling off by a lovely Bulgarian nurse for not taking care of myself, not sleeping at night and that the outcome could have been a hell of a lot worse than it was.

I’m sorry for loosing what I originally wrote about the aforementioned terrifying experience, one of the most raw and honest posts I’ve ever written but never got to share it with the lovely people to take time to read my blog because I accidentally pressed the delete button!

I’m sorry for then not telling you that I discovered that it was migraines I’d been suffering with because I had not been sleeping or looking after myself properly due to returning to work and sending Bean to day nursery. I should have shared my symptoms of loss of speech and numbness in my arms and face to raise awareness of how not looking after yourself properly can have terrible consequences.

I’m sorry I didn’t share the success of Bean FINALLY sleeping in her own room at 13 months old after months of anxiety and worry of something terrible happening to her whilst she were there.

I’m sorry for not updating you on Beans development, how she now says “WOW” at anything and everything, says “UH OH” when she’s just about to throw a grape at the cat and says “OW” when she bites my nipple during a feed. I should have also shared that, at 14 months, she still isn’t walking but that’s absolutely OK because she does so many amazing things and she will get their eventually!

But what I’m most sorry for, I’m sorry for listening to that loud mouth cow Negative Nelly and believing her when she told me that people will soon get bored of Mum of a Bean and that I’m not as good as the many other mummy bloggers out there and I might as well just give up!!

Well sorry Nelly but you can fuck right off because I’m back!!!

I’m back to sharing my brain farts with those you want to read them.

I’m back to raising the awareness of mental health illnesses, PND and anxiety, even in its mildest of forms because the sooner it’s identified and diagnosed, the sooner that person can receive support from the ever growing Perinatal Support Projects around the country, who, without their help, I wouldn’t be writing about how I continue to kick PND and anxiety’s arse!!!

I’m back to writing about what life is like, trying to manage PND, depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and now migraines whilst keeping a part time job and being the bloody best mother, step mother, girlfriend and friend that I can be!!

And most of all, I’m back doing something I genuinely enjoy, writing!!! Even if it just ends up with only Superman and my mum reading it, I’m going to continue to write. I’m currently in the middle of writing another post that’s taken me 3 days to write so far, slowly but surely, I’ll get there!