It seems we have come home from our holiday with a toddler…..
We haven’t swapped Bean for a messier, more independent and stroppier model, I just think our little baby has decided she doesn’t want to be a little baby anymore.
The Bean is growing up!!!
I think it actually started to happen before our holiday, and even more so whilst we were digging in to ‘all you can eat’ bread, olives and cheese and drowning ourselves (sensibly) in Malibu and pineapple juice. I just hadn’t noticed until we got home and dressed her in her brand new “BIG GIRL PJ’S”.
Gone are the cute little sleep suits with feet, which she always seemed to get her legs tangled in like a deranged washed up mermaid. We are now in separates…… and this isn’t the only thing that’s changed.
Her hair seems longer and slightly curly on the edges.
She’s copying random words like “car”, “cat” and “wee wee wee” (when those little piggy’s go all the way home, again and again and again!!!)
She screams “NO NO NO” at me when I change her nappy, which she’s been doing for some time but now its with more conviction.
She can place a piece of food on the table before picking up another. Yes, she CAN do this but still chooses to launch it at the cat instead.
She’s started to tease people by offering them what ever object she’s decided to gum the crap out of and then pulls it away screaming “NO”.
She’s started to use the word “NO” a lot and seems to understand its meaning.
She now calls me “Ma ma” instead of “Doggy” ……. Im thinking of changing my name to Doggy!!
She can cruise from one settee to the other, adjusting her feet so she can reach the arm without face planting the floor.
And its the last one that made me and Superman decide that she is ready for proper shoes….. well those cute cruiser ones from Clark’s. (Other shoe shops are available and I haven’t blackmailed them into giving me free shoes in exchange for mentioning them in this post #blogginghumour)
Never have I ever felt so emotional about another person trying on a pair of shoes before and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mother in the world that’s felt this way.
I don’t think its helped matters that tomorrow….. gulp….. I return to work after having 15 months off on maternity leave, and this morning I had to ring the day nursery that she will be attending as of next week.
She’s not been for a proper visit yet (bad/ disorganised/ over anxious mummy!!!) and I’m worrying that she wont settle.
I know all Mummy’s (and a lot of Daddy’s) feel this way when leaving their precious little one at day nursery or with a child minder for the first time, of course I’m going to worry and be upset, she’s been by my side for pretty much all of her little life!
Its the physical feeling that I’m struggling to cope with.
Take this mornings phone call for instance. As soon as I started to talk to one of the poor, unsuspecting nursery nurses, I started to stumble on my words and my body started to shake. I had pins and needles travling up my arms, I was struggling to breath normally and I could feel my bottom lip wobbling and tears start to fill my eyes.
I was starting to have a panic attack.
Months ago I would have made my excuses, put the phone down as soon as possible and would turn into a blubbering, hyperventilating wreck on the floor.
But not today!!!!!
Yes, I was wobbly and started to cry as I told the lovely lady what days my child would be attending, but I simply told her that I was an extremely anxious person and explained that I was nervous about leaving Bean with people who didn’t know her like I do.
She’d clearly had this conversation many times before and was actually really nice about it. I managed to calm myself down pretty quickly and sort out a visit a few days before she’s due to start.
So, I’ve got a feeling that the emotional shoe fitting had nothing to do with the fact that they didn’t have the ones I wanted in her size (navy blue ones with a bunny’s face on the toes), it was that my “baby” will be growing up and doing new things and I might miss some of it.
I might miss her first steps.
She might accidently call someone else “Mummy”.
She might not even noticed I’ve left the room, leaving me to sob uncontrollably all my way to work.
Before I know it, she’ll be stealing my make up and sanitary towels and telling her friends at University what an horrendous clingy mess her mother is.
I, on the other hand, will be sat in front of the telly watching the 15th series of Bake Off, drinking pink wine through a straw, cuddling her “little pj’s” and crying into her “little shoes”.
But she’s not grown up yet.
She may be in toddler territory but she is STILL my “baby”.
She STILL likes to be sang to and bloody loves it when those little piggy’s make it all the way home.
She STILL reaches out to me when there’s a room full of other arms who are desperate for a cuddle.
And she STILL likes to be cuddled to sleep, using my increasingly saggy boobs as a pillow and my nipples as fleshy dummy’s and teethers.
Today may have been an emotional one, but I’m ending it by watching the 6th season of Bake Off, with my “baby” toddler climbing all over me in her “big girl pj’s”, whilst I find a bit of therapy in writing about my Bean and her “big girl shoes”.