Unlike a lot of mothers who have suffered from post natal depression, I actually have had no problem bonding with my baby. If anything, I think I’ve bonded a little too much!!
Which is why tonight is going to be bloody HORRIBLE!!
My 10 month old little sweetie still sleeps in our room, in a cot next to my side of the bed. I say “still” like its a bad thing but it really isnt!! I love having her next to me at night because I know shes ok. Dont get me wrong, I could quite happily palm her off for the day with her Grannie (for some reason my Mum intends on being called this…. its a nightmare to find her a birthday card!!!) but nighttimes are a different story.
Thanks to social media and scaremongers on the news, I find nighttime pretty traumatic at times. I check her pulse at least once throughout night (it used to be at least 5 times), she doesn’t have cot bumpers and she either uses a growbag or a light blanket so she doesn’t overheat and I don’t to go to sleep until she does. In the early days, even having her by my side, I’d still worry that she would just die in her sleep without cause.
And this my friends is where you will realise, I’m slightly mental! I worry far too much about things I cant control and that is why tonight is going to be so hard because (gulp) …..
BEAN WILL BE SLEEPING IN HER OWN ROOM!!
Those who know me will know that I have already tried and failed miserably, either she has woken up before I have gone to bed or I’ve actually managed to go to sleep but then jumped out of bed and sprinted down the corridor after the slightest cry and brought her back into our room.
So why now? If it causes me so much anxiety and she’s happy enough, why move her at all?? Why not keep her next to me until shes old enough to have her own babies (if she wants them) and then we will all sleep in the same room and all be happy and safe…. great idea, yes??
Even I’M not that clingy.
But really, why now?
A few reasons really.
1) Her room is all ready for her.
As much as I tried to keep it like a clothes graveyard so there would be no room for her, she has a really beautiful room. So, Superman and the Boy spent time this weekend, organising the clothes into piles (because I find the fact that she is growing even more traumatising) and making it lovely again.
2) Our room needs to be OUR room again.
Before the Bean came along, our room was a place where all the filthy magic happened, we were at it CONSTANTLY!!! Nowadays, if by some miracle I have both the energy and sex drive to attempt something slightly naughty with Superman, we have to keep it quiet and under the covers, just incase she wakes up mid “OH MY GOD!!!!”
We both need this. And to be perfectly honest, I think shes ready for it more than I am.
To be perfectly honest, I think I’m ready for her to sleep in her own room, it just makes me feel sad! Yep… writing that just gave me a huge lump in my throat and the tears are starting to flow! Dont get me wrong, I’m terrified of something happening to her and I think I have imagined every possible eventuality (a fire, kidnappers… dingos!!) but most of all I just feel sad that my little girl is growing up and that’s something I know that pretty much all parents struggle with, not JUST Mums or the mental ones like myself.
So…. tonight is the night!!
Luckily I have saved one glass of wine ready for the event, I really should have bought another bottle…. or a box!! #drinksensibly
Wish me luck….