Welcome to Motherhood – A TRUE Story

We were all guilty of it.

In preperation of our lovely little bundle, we read every book, magazine and Baby Centre post about what to expect once our baby arrives. We learned how to change our baby’s nappy (either cloth or disposable ), how to bath them and how to feed (either bottle or breast).
I once Googled the best blankets to use at bed time!

We also turned to our mummy friends for advice on the best nappies and wipes to use.

However, there seemed to be something that I never read about, that no one ever warned me about and that absolutely shocked me when it happened.

Those in the know may be prepared for what I’m about to say.

How you feel for the first few weeks after having a baby…..

Seriously, never in my life did I expect to feel the way I did!
I felt like I’d been run over my a bus full of sumo wrestlers!!!!!!

Yes, my mummy friends told me to rest before the Bean arrived, but I thought the reason would be the lack of sleep you get due to the little person constantly screaming for food, cuddles and nappy changes.

I honestly didn’t think I’d feel so bad!

My belly was still swollen and looked massive, I felt like someone had repeatedly punched me in the kidneys and I looked grey and lifeless.
Then there was my vagina ….. oh my poor poor vagina…..
There are no words to describe what being ripped in half feels like!!!
And the whole time I felt like this I asked “WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME?!?!?!?!?!?!”

I understand that other mummies don’t want to panic or scare mummies to be and maybe, just maybe, it won’t be as bad for them…. but it will be! And it’s made worse by the shock of it actually happening.
Yes, there will be the smug ones who sneezed and out came a baby with no need for stitches, who went straight to Tesco after the hospital to do their big shop with their teeny tiny sleeping baby in the baby seat of the trolly.
Yes, we have all seen these mythical creatures and hoped that we too would be back to normal, looking and feeling awesome….   
We were so wrong!!!

My first attempt of the ‘big shop’ was roughly 4 days after birth. Due to developing crippling sciatica the day before, all I could do was shuffle slowly. I looked grey.
I felt like I was on a boat during a tsunami.
My not so teeny tiny baby (9lb 6oz to be exact) was not sleeping, she was screaming for breast milk because she didn’t read the baby books to know that she should actually need feeding every 2 hours!!
So off I shuffled with my screaming baby to find the feeding room in Sainsbury’s, which I discovered was upstairs ……
After 5 minutes being sat outside the downstairs toilets, contemplating if I was brave enough to lob a boob out in the middle of a busy Supermarket, a lovely cleaning lady took a chair into the baby changing room for me to feed downstairs!
As I sat in the room next to a toilet cubical, all I could think was “why didn’t I just stay at home???”

I’ll tell you why!!!
Just like in pregnancy, us human growers are expected to “crack on” and “man up!!”
I’d  LOVE to see a man do this (I’m sorry male folk, but you invented man flu, so let’s leave it there!!) 
And what’s even more annoying, some of the worse culprits are women who gave birth years ago and seemed to have suffered from amnesia!!
Being pregnant can be hard!
Giving birth can be even harder!!
You’re recovering from what can be a traumatic event but you still try to keep going, get dressed and put make up on.

So, it ends NOW!!!! 

For those of you who have little arms and legs happily kicking the crap out of you from the inside at the moment,  I would like you to know a few things that I wish I had known about in advance, openly and honestly.

So, we’ve covered the big shop already, I honestly wish I had stayed at home. Not just for then, but for a whole month…… in my pj’s, breastfeeding my little poppet every half hour!! (Yep, for those of you planning to breastfeed, your baby will be either asleep or latched on!!!)

I should have let people look after me.
I was so racked with guilt about not doing anything around the house (because looking after a small person isn’t hard enough), I didn’t ask for water when I needed it and I hardly ate. I didn’t sleep either! I worked out that in that first week I had no more than 12 hours sleep…. 12 hours!!!!!!!
By the end of the first week, Superman thought he’d have to ring an ambulance because I could hardly stand, I was exhausted!!! The Bean had lost 1lb 2oz, baby blues had well and truly kicked in and I was an absolute wreck!!!!!

I was so focused on being “Supermum” that I ended up making myself poorly! And even though I was totally in love with my gorgeous little Bean, I was suffering from Post Natal Depression and anxiety!!
I couldn’t sleep for fear of something happening to my baby if I did! I was so terrified of cot death and sudden infant death syndrome because it had been rammed down my neck on Facebook and in the news. I should have slept or at least told Superman how huge my fear was.
Even though this fear continues (she still sleeps in a cot next to me at almost 10 months old….. I’m working on it…) and I’m still totally bat shit crazy, I actually started to feel physically normal after a few weeks. I was sleeping better, my head wasn’t swimming any more and the sciatica had settled down!!!
FYI, we asked a supermarket pharmacist for advice about sciatica after birth and was told to sit on a heat pack, have a really hot bath and then get someone to massage your bum …. that someone for me was my brother…. Yet another dignity destroying moment to add to the collection!

Speaking of destroyed dignity (and the last bit of honest advice), should you tear during childbirth, please take the hospitals advice and eat plenty of fibre as well as drinking the liquid laxitive they supply you with. The last thing you need is to have to “deliver” a weeks worth of poo in the bath and almost prolapse in the process…. not the kind of water birth I imagined I’d be having! #mortified!!!!

And there we have it, hopefully I have prepared and not scared any pregnant ladies reading this!! If I was to write a book myself, no one would have sex without contraception ever again…..

But then they wouldn’t create one of these…..


Totally worth it!!!!! ❤

2 thoughts on “Welcome to Motherhood – A TRUE Story

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