As I walked into my kitchen yesterday morning, all blurry eyed from very little sleep and too much crying, I was greeted by my 7 year old stepson who asked me this “Are you ok?”
Fuck! How do I explain to a 7 year old boy that I’m NOT ok!!!
I’m 31 years old with the body of a 90 year old thanks to the delights of the twat that is fibromyalgia! Every part of my body hurts BAD!!!! Then there’s the post natal depression and anxiety that I deal with daily! I used to have regular old bog standard depression but apparently that also changes once you have a baby.
Along with the depression (like thats not enough to cope with) comes someone who I would like to introduce you to, in our house we call her Negative Nelly. She’s the voice that lives inside my head and tells me I’m worthless, a crap mother, a terrible girlfriend, fills my head with paranoid thoughts of people wanting to break into our home and kill us all and generally pisses all over me whenever I start to feel happy!
I’m tired and totally fucked off because all I want to do is enjoy my beautiful 9 month old baby girl, be the best mother, stepmother and girlfriend I can be and have a pain free existence without the worry that something terrible is going to happen and take away everyone I love!!
So instead I went with the extremely overused “yeah, I’m alright…”
To which he replied “but are you REALLY alright??”
The boy may have not lived in my womb for 9 months but he’s lived in the same house as me for almost 2 very emotional years, riding the crazy train with my step daughter (9 years old) and their daddy, my extremely supportive and loving partner in crime, Superman.
So of course he knew I was telling porkies because yesterday was a bad day and they all knew it!!!
It seemed to take forever to get myself ready for a walk into town with my family that morning. Superman had let me sleep in for a few hours after another sleepless night with the Bean, and in that time had managed to get her dressed, fed and sorted out the Boy and Girls breakfasts too. So everyone was waiting for me to get my arse into gear and it just wasn’t happening! I just couldn’t function!!! To make things worse, the Bean started to cry once she saw me, which I took personally, and when I say cry, I mean scream the fucking house down!!!!!
In swoops Superman, offering to take all the kids for a walk so I could have to breakfast, calm down, get ready and start the day.
So there I am, phone in one hand, coffee in the other and a pile of hobnobs at my side which are oat based and a totally acceptable breakfast food… yes?
I was on a mission, frantically searching the Internet to find some positive and hilarious quotes about PND (huge lack of those btw) which I could post on Facebook to let everyone know I was having a shit day without sounding too depressed! #logical
Then it hit me, I could be the one to put a bit of humour into the not so hilarious PND, and fibromyalgia!!!! I could start a blog about being a mum and the struggles I face each day, something just for me, a safe place to dump all my brain farts and worries so I can start enjoying life with my totally awesome family and me rid of Nelly for good!!!!!
So I started to search for inspiration, normal mums like myself who have taken to the Internet to share their story, so I typed Normal Mum into Google and this what I found…
….where has this woman been for the last 9 months???? For the first time that morning I found myself laughing out loud!!! I had finally found something I could relate to! No, she doesn’t mention PND or Fibro but she’s open and honest about being a mummy and it’s just what I needed! So I got in contact to say thank you and asked for a bit of help to start my own blog and here I am!!! It’s taken an age to write, way more expletives than I usually say out loud in a week but oh so therapeutic!!!
I’m still working on the name of my blog but Mum of a Bean (as my babies nickname is Bean) will do for now!
Time for a coffee 🙂